The Road Less Travelled
28 April 2012 @ 3:31 AM

Stripes. Shades. Smiles.

Summer is finally stepping in as I’m starting to feel the vacation part of the season after the finish of both Missions and the YE Weekend. I’ve been doing all kinds of preparation for my debut, learning how to drive, cook and be a little more domesticated.

I think the stripes sailor look screams summer for me, and the black ballet flats give it a little laid back feel. I’m not very knowledgeable in the fashion sense, but I like dressing up every now and then. I take it that I should do shoots like these more often, because I’ll never really be as young as this again and it’s best to take advantage of it. 

I’m reserving tomorrow for my shopping for college clothes. Since I’m going to Ateneo, I’ll probably need to look for more presentable outfits. Sadly, my plans of going to school in pajamas if I studied in UP have been diminished. At least I have nice pajamas already.

1 month ago
22 April 2012 @ 12:18 AM

Street Food Trip

Had a chill day watching people play Frisbee at the Sunken Garden, walking around aimlessly in the park, eating street food and lying down on the grass to see the stars.

1 month ago
20 April 2012 @ 7:35 AM

Aloha! Denisse’s 18th Birthday

at Temple Tree, BF Resort

It was a good time to get together with a bunch of old friends from elementary school, and my barkada. Until now, I’m still not quite sure how I ended up with a friend like Denisse who seems to let all hell loose with rage whenever she doesn’t like you. She’s incredibly matapang, and it’s hilarious. I have to say, it’s a strange friendship I wouldn’t want to let go of anytime soon.

I only found out that I was 18 treasures a few hours before the actual party, because Luke got my invitation to me late. I managed to make it sound prepared though, while the guys only had to make a wish and take shots. Lucky. 

Like almost every other party I’ve been to, I seemed to be completely in the care of my favorite gentlemen, who evidently aren’t ready to give me away to any guy they believe is less than all three of them combined. They’re a bit protective, but it’s only because I’m important to them.

It makes me kind of excited for my own debut, just because I get to dance with them. 

1 month ago
20 April 2012 @ 7:15 AM

Holy Week Missions 2012

There were 60+ female missionaries that came this year, more than half of the usual number of people who go. It was overwhelming at first, and I regret saying that until now I have little or no knowledge on the names of the other people who I did not get the chance to work with. 

It was not the first time that I worked with Mission Youth in Batangas. Infact, it’s my third. But there was something strange about this mission, like it was more difficult to maintain the same kind of energy that I used to have.

But as the days progressed, and I saw lives changed, I knew that God was still there. I knew God was still in these people I met, and worked with. It just took a little bit more work to see Him in the same places.

Last year, I gave my cross to a girl who couldn’t walk. Her mother had bawled when I asked about her life, and told me all about her miscarriages and difficult pregnancies and personal struggles. Her daughter had cried when she told me how she wish she was normal for the sake of her mother. This year, I saw them again, and she was still wearing the cross I gave around her neck.

Probably the most profound moment of the entire week was when a kid came up to me in the middle of playing games and asked me what she should do if she also wanted to be a missionary. I can’t seem to explain how incredibly amazing that moment was for me, and how I realize that maybe, all this work was paying off.

On the second to the last day, the older members of the movement came together in a serious conversation about how the movement is starting to get bigger and bigger, and how we needed to create a structure to support it soon. I was asked if I was ready to commit, and if possible, head the formation of the new missionaries along with my friend. 

We have helped plant a seed in this community, and though we didn’t notice it as first, now they are ready to start bearing fruit. I want to be there when it happens.

1 month ago
9 April 2012 @ 6:06 AM
Because I guess when you fall in love for the first time, it never really goes away. You search for it, and you long for it. And when things don’t make sense, you go back to it. You try to feel the magic moment that happened once before, and hope that it’s still the same. This is how I feel when I leave for missionary work, each and every year.  Personally, the hardest part of being a missionary for me isn’t the actual mission. It’s that sinking feeling in your chest when the high is gone, and you’re drifting back into the abyss of regular life.  You see, your first mission is an irreplaceable experience. It’s when you’re shook from the inside-out and you realize how there is a God-shaped hole in your heart that nothing but Him can truly fill. There is a high, a mission high, one where you’re at complete peace and feel ready to change the world.  I’ve had many experiences with different families that have changed me so much that I cannot even put down in words. Conversations with people who have broken families, unwanted pregnancies, clinical insomnia, murdered children, loved ones with terminal diseases, are living in extreme poverty. There was a time we met an old man that looked so incredibly healthy, but found out he died a few days later. There were children we taught catechism, that are now in the running to becoming missionaries as well. It’s difficult because I am so young, and there is so much about life that I do know about yet. There are things that only come with age, and I pray to God that when the time comes, my faith would not shake enough to break. There were so many times that I’ve been told something, or asked a question I did not know how to answer. Because even missionaries are only human, something that people sometimes forget when there’s a cross hanging around your neck. But every time I enter a house, I pray that all my training is enough, and I pray hard that I may find the grace to bring Him into their homes the best way I can. You start to realize that there is a much bigger world out there, and there are millions of stories, happy or heartbreaking that you haven’t heard yet. There are so many people that carry different crosses, that seem the same, but not entirely. There are so many souls hungry for the presence of God, to be assured that even in darkness, He exists.  And it’s hard, because there are dark moments that my soul enter, when even I have a hard time convincing myself that He loves me, that He is there no matter what the world is making me believe, and the burning fire that I once held in my soul has withered into a barely lit flame. But on those days, I pray, and I pray hard. I find a quiet place, and I remember all those days I’ve felt alive because of the grace that has flowed into my heart. Because God is not someone any human can describe with in words. He is unfathomable being, someone we can never understand. But He is also an experience, something we can feel is real. He is real, but to truly believe, we have to be open to let Him enter our lives, and change us from the inside.

Because I guess when you fall in love for the first time, it never really goes away. You search for it, and you long for it. And when things don’t make sense, you go back to it. You try to feel the magic moment that happened once before, and hope that it’s still the same. This is how I feel when I leave for missionary work, each and every year. 

Personally, the hardest part of being a missionary for me isn’t the actual mission. It’s that sinking feeling in your chest when the high is gone, and you’re drifting back into the abyss of regular life. 

You see, your first mission is an irreplaceable experience. It’s when you’re shook from the inside-out and you realize how there is a God-shaped hole in your heart that nothing but Him can truly fill. There is a high, a mission high, one where you’re at complete peace and feel ready to change the world. 

I’ve had many experiences with different families that have changed me so much that I cannot even put down in words. Conversations with people who have broken families, unwanted pregnancies, clinical insomnia, murdered children, loved ones with terminal diseases, are living in extreme poverty. There was a time we met an old man that looked so incredibly healthy, but found out he died a few days later. There were children we taught catechism, that are now in the running to becoming missionaries as well.

It’s difficult because I am so young, and there is so much about life that I do know about yet. There are things that only come with age, and I pray to God that when the time comes, my faith would not shake enough to break.

There were so many times that I’ve been told something, or asked a question I did not know how to answer. Because even missionaries are only human, something that people sometimes forget when there’s a cross hanging around your neck. But every time I enter a house, I pray that all my training is enough, and I pray hard that I may find the grace to bring Him into their homes the best way I can.

You start to realize that there is a much bigger world out there, and there are millions of stories, happy or heartbreaking that you haven’t heard yet. There are so many people that carry different crosses, that seem the same, but not entirely. There are so many souls hungry for the presence of God, to be assured that even in darkness, He exists. 

And it’s hard, because there are dark moments that my soul enter, when even I have a hard time convincing myself that He loves me, that He is there no matter what the world is making me believe, and the burning fire that I once held in my soul has withered into a barely lit flame.

But on those days, I pray, and I pray hard. I find a quiet place, and I remember all those days I’ve felt alive because of the grace that has flowed into my heart. Because God is not someone any human can describe with in words. He is unfathomable being, someone we can never understand. But He is also an experience, something we can feel is real. He is real, but to truly believe, we have to be open to let Him enter our lives, and change us from the inside.

1 month ago
4 April 2012 @ 5:58 AM
You know, the thing when you’re used to doing so many things at once, and then suddenly you don’t and you feel incredibly lost? It’s kind of how my days have been like recently. I’ve been feeling this lethargic air brooding over me, and I’ve been waking up tired and sleepy. I guess after the whole clearance, confirmation into college, graduation ball, and class sleepover, I can feel the reality of what’s really happening sinking in. A guy asked me what year I was in when I left Pisay the other day, and I said I was a senior. After thinking for a few seconds, I stopped and said, “Wait, I’m not. I’m an alumni”. So I woke up, took a bath, got dressed, paid for the down payment to the dorm I’ll be staying in at Katipunan, applied for a debit card in BPI, signed up for driving classes and inquired for cooking lessons. Because maybe, I’ve been afraid of growing up too fast for too long, and this is time to come into terms with that.  I’ve filled up my schedule to the max, making sure there are almost no days when I have nothing planned. I have to do this, you see, to distract me from all the realizations that things are going to change very fast, and very soon.

You know, the thing when you’re used to doing so many things at once, and then suddenly you don’t and you feel incredibly lost? It’s kind of how my days have been like recently. I’ve been feeling this lethargic air brooding over me, and I’ve been waking up tired and sleepy.

I guess after the whole clearance, confirmation into college, graduation ball, and class sleepover, I can feel the reality of what’s really happening sinking in. A guy asked me what year I was in when I left Pisay the other day, and I said I was a senior. After thinking for a few seconds, I stopped and said, “Wait, I’m not. I’m an alumni”.

So I woke up, took a bath, got dressed, paid for the down payment to the dorm I’ll be staying in at Katipunan, applied for a debit card in BPI, signed up for driving classes and inquired for cooking lessons. Because maybe, I’ve been afraid of growing up too fast for too long, and this is time to come into terms with that. 

I’ve filled up my schedule to the max, making sure there are almost no days when I have nothing planned. I have to do this, you see, to distract me from all the realizations that things are going to change very fast, and very soon.

1 month ago
3 April 2012 @ 11:54 PM
tags:
#spiritual
#YE

When things get hard, and a little light shines through the cracks, instead of trying to finish the whole route, we stop and try to get through another way out. We dig out a little soon, and come out half-baked.

There are times in our lives when we are given a choice. Put down the pen, and move along. Erase the code, and start the program all over again. Throw the book off the table and get back to sleep. Drop the game, and throw in the towel. 

But one thing I’ve learned in life is that the tide changes eventually for everyone. We have winning streaks, and we have losing streaks. Some might last longer than the others, but each tide has its time and neither will last forever. You just have to be there when it happens.

You’ll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end. Your mind is a pretty powerful thing. Tell yourself that things are going to get better, when they don’t seem to be. Tell yourself the moment isn’t going to last forever, so you have to make the best out of it when you can. 

We have to carry the cross given to us, and allow it to be taken away at the right place, and at the right time, when we’re ready. We’re given trials for a reason, tests for us to re-evaluate how much we’re really learning, and when we fail, we can either give up or get up.

And yes, maybe we won’t have much to lose by taking the easy way out, by giving up and letting things go. But think about how much more you’ll gain by getting up. And maybe, this lent is a reminder for us to stare at our crosses in the face, and tell them that they’re worth carrying. They’re worth all the spiritual muscles your soul develops from carrying them. 

1 month ago
3 April 2012 @ 11:21 AM

Imposible, minsan masarap mangarap. 

by Imperfect

I read a softbound book given to me by an old friend two years ago for Christmas which he printed, and bound by himself. It was fanfiction we used to read together when we used to actively participate in the Ragnarok Online Boards. The story was about a girl and a guy who met at a bar one night, and how the meeting had changed them forever. I was going to put the synopsis here, but I think it’s better if you just read the story online.

I remembered this, because I just read the post about Miranda Kerr naming her baby after her boyfriend that died in a car accident when she was 15. The girl in the story names her first child, after the guy she didn’t choose. All I could think about was how understanding the men they married are, and how incredibly lucky they are to have them.

In the story, she says something about there being Lifeshifters in our lives, people who change the course or the way we look at lives. I think the guy who gave the story to me is one of them. 

I remember the exact day we met, because until now, we still celebrate it. August 15, 2003. We’ve known each other for almost half my life, and he is probably the first guy outside my family who has ever really liked me. We used to spar together in taekwondo when I was 9. I got my first bouquet of white roses from him when I was 12. He started modelling after that, and soon enough grew into the fine young man I always knew he would be.

Nothing really happened between us, because we were too young to really know anything, and the age gap was around four years. Nevertheless, we’ve been there for each other growing up, and if there was anyone who had really seen me grow into the person I am now, it was him. He’s been in and out of relationships since then, but our friendship withstood that.

I owe him a lot for having been so patient with me all this time, because I wasn’t any easier to deal with when I was nine. In fact, I have probably become more difficult after all these years, but he still takes time off college to go out and have ice cream with me when I’m upset. Or when we’re both upset, which is usually the case.

He’d probably one of those guys who’d go to my wedding one day, and tell them all the embarrassing things you can only afford to tell about people you keep close to you.

And I know that for him, I’ll always be a bittersweet memory. The first girl that had ever really broken his heart, which the simple act of doing so, had broken my own as well. But when we see each other, there is a strange thankfulness that is evident in our eyes, because we know we are better because of it.

And one day, if it’s okay with the guy I would marry, I would probably name a son after him.

1 month ago
3 April 2012 @ 10:45 AM

Graduation Ball

It was the last event that I attended with my batch 2012, before all of us began making the decisions that would change the course of the lives we would lead for the next four more years in our respective colleges.

Unlike most batches, there is a large number of people in ours who do not intend to go to UP. There are many reasons for this: some are going abroad, others have scholarship offers from other universities, and for a few people, it’s because they want to be closer to the person they fell in love with in high school who has opted to go somewhere else. However, it is still true that majority will enter the University of the Philippines.

So really, it was a moment for all of us to take a good look at the people around us and try to memorize their faces before we are all changed by the time we will spend away from each other. 

I sat with my senior section who I love very much, but I spent most of the night and the morning after with two of my favorite girls that have been with me since sophomore year in Champaca. I have never been one to be close to females, but truly, I was blessed for all the beauty, talent and friendship that I have found in the two of them.  

And I found myself dancing the night away in the arms of different people that have made my stay in Pisay a little more exciting. With a classmate that I nearly got suspended with because of a groupwork, my sexy partygirl friend, a guy who was my model for our fashion show, my favorite elective team mate, my two favorite girls, my first high school crush, and the most amazing guy in the room. 

And perhaps, when the music ended, the night seemed to have ended too soon. Because not enough pictures were taken, not enough grad photos signed. But I guess every moment is perfect because it’s not going to repeat again. It was beautiful. 

Photos by(c) Alla Tan and Sir Darrell Sicam

1 month ago
2 April 2012 @ 11:43 AM
tags:
#YE
#spiritual

There in a circle of nine, gathered on a windy Wednesday night, we sat in silence and contemplated on the days ahead. We all knew it, that no matter how hard we tried to commit ourselves to try to be as prepared as we can, we are always challenged. But we try anyway.

Because I guess, that’s what happens when you’re working for something bigger than yourself. You don’t ever stop trying to improve on whatever you can, because you know that all the work you’re doing is worth it.

This is what it’s like to serve. You always feel like you’re half-full, never having enough. I like what the guys said though, that acknowledging how much we’re lacking allows us to welcome Him to help us out. 

I prayed for all the anxieties to go away, that we may have faith that our best is enough, and the rest is up to the Big Guy. Because we can sing, talk and organize as much we can, but at the end of the day, the conversion is only between the lamb and the Shepherd.

We are intercessors, the middle men of the movement. We pray for your prayers. We pray to be the passageways, to be at the place where sin and grace enter and leave. And we do not always feel ready or prepared because we are sinners too, we are human with flesh and blood. But we will stand guard at the gates for you regardless. 

1 month ago